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    May 14

    happy mother's day

    For all that you have given me,
    I can return but love. For you
    Bound up the wounds I did not see
    And gave me hopes and passions new.

    I can return but love for you,
    Whose unmoved faith my heart did move,
    And gave me hopes and passions new,
    And loved me till I turned to love.

    Whose unmoved faith did my heart move?
    The mother of my heart, not blood,
    Who loved me till I turned to love.
    And I became the soul I would.

    The mother of my heart, not blood,
    Bound up the wounds I did not see.
    And I became the soul I would
    For all that you have given me.

    May 12

    think

    Should you always say what you feel
    Think, is the person you're telling going to be able to heal

    Is what you're saying necessary for everyone else to know
    Just because you're thinking something, maybe you should just let it go

    Everyone else around you may not be as strong
    Some things need to be kept hidden and you should move along

    You don't know where that person has come from or where he's going to go
    What kind of day he's had, you just don't know

    Before you blurt out everything you feel
    Think, is the person listening going to be able to heal?
    May 10

    difference

    There is a part of me
    That feels I am different from everyone else.
    Something that I can't quite see,
    Something that I can't quite feel,
    Something so unreal.
    But this 'thing' is always there,
    This 'thing' with others, I will never share.
    So I push it to the back of my mind,
    All the thoughts of boys and clothes
    And make-up, it is hiding behind.
    Sometimes, when I have almost forgotten,
    It comes back with such ferocity,
    Angry and unforgiving.
    I feel so lost and sad,
    Whatever caused this feeling
    Must have been so horrible and bad.
    A lost memory or something else,
    I'll never know,Whatever it is,
    I know for sure,
    I can never let this feeling show.
    May 09

    nothing girl

    Maybe I wear baggies
    and white socks with flip-flops,
    maybe I don't like listening to rave
    and I'm not on the social mountaintops,
    maybe I don't care about the things
    that make your worlds twirl,
    maybe you look at me and think:
    Gee, what a nothing girl.
    Maybe I like giving smiles
    which seems to be a sin today,
    and maybe I allow my imagination
    to sometimes run away,
    maybe you don't understand this
    and that's why you cannot see,
    if this make me a nothing girl,
    hey, that's ok with me!
    The world makes you believe
    your personality mustn't be detected,
    your face must be picture perfect
    and wear cloths just the best, to be accepted.
    Maybe I look at you
    and feel sorry that you're blind,
    robots you have became,
    yourself you'll never find.
    God made you, as well as me,
    this means I am something,
    the world is a liar
    and if I must be a nothing
    for you to see it,
    then so be it!

    nothing girl

    Maybe I wear baggies
    and white socks with flip-flops,
    maybe I don't like listening to rave
    and I'm not on the social mountaintops,
    maybe I don't care about the things
    that make your worlds twirl,
    maybe you look at me and think:
    Gee, what a nothing girl.
    Maybe I like giving smiles
    which seems to be a sin today,
    and maybe I allow my imagination
    to sometimes run away,
    maybe you don't understand this
    and that's why you cannot see,
    if this make me a nothing girl,
    hey, that's ok with me!
    The world makes you believe
    your personality mustn't be detected,
    your face must be picture perfect
    and wear cloths just the best, to be accepted.
    Maybe I look at you
    and feel sorry that you're blind,
    robots you have became,
    yourself you'll never find.
    God made you, as well as me,
    this means I am something,
    the world is a liar
    and if I must be a nothing
    for you to see it,
    then so be it!
    May 08

    thank you

    Thank you for your friendship and your love.
    However life may turn, this gift will be
    A mountain that has made my river bend,
    Nor will it flow the same way to the sea.
    Knowing you is something I'm made of.

    Years will not this part of me remove.
    One lives for just a brief eternity,
    Understanding truths that never end.

    May 07

    alcoholism and drug addictions

    There is a joy that banishes all reason,
    An ecstasy so vast it has no shore,
    A craving that devours all decision,
    A lust for nothingness that lusts for more.
    There are angels in pursuit of pain
    Who take Satanic pride in degradation,
    Who'll drag you down the hill and back again
    Hosanna-ing your sweet humiliation.
    Just like a fire fanned by a hot, dry wind,
    Or like a flood that sweeps away all will,
    This wall of pleasure leaves no one behind,
    No sign of life where all one loves lies still.
    So does the soul in anguish hate the joy
    That soothes the hate that does the soul destroy.
    May 06

    what a friend u are to me

    It's been so good to have you as a friend:
    As sweet and rich as honey-colored sun
    Slanting steep across a summer lawn,
    Gilding life with all that love can lend.
    And now that you yourself have griefs to tend,
    I want to be the strong and caring one
    To count to you the lovely things you've done
    Until these troubles pass and sorrows end.
    You are so gentle in form and soul
    That you bring happiness to all you're near:
    Just as a sea rose, flowering in mist,
    Makes a paradise of some bleak shoal,
    Turning truth to something far more clear,
    No pain unsoothed or rain-swept cheek unkissed.

    friendship

    For most of us life passes like a dream,
    Revealing only what is on our minds.
    Inside the prison of the self we see
    Each object as a shadow on our wall.
    Nothingness awaits, as sure as night.
    Did I not have you, dear friend, I might,
    Shadow on a shade, not be at all.
    How much we need a word beyond our sea:
    In love and laughter, thoughts of different kinds,
    Perhaps, with luck, unraveling a seam.
    this goes to all ma friends out dere expecially the CAL members. love y'all
    May 04

    proverbs of the soul

    1. The sun sings.
    The heart answers.
    The soul listens.

    2. The heart sings.
    The sun answers.
    The soul listens.

    3. Although some say the word "soul" is obsolete, there is no substitute.

    4. The soul is the foundation of nothingness upon which the person is built.

    5. There is no dualism of body and soul. They are two views of one person.

    6. In time the person dies, body and soul, except as a bell reverberates long after it is struck.

    7. Outside of time, however, the soul is that part of a person that is eternal and unchanging, the same in every being that ever was and ever will be.

    8. We experience the soul in the same way that we experience our thoughts and feelings. But unlike these other experiences, our experience of the soul is our window onto eternity, through which we see the essential truth, beauty, goodness, and oneness of all things.

    9. Nothingness is the soul of Being.

    10. That is why when we look for the soul we cannot find it. But when we eliminate all else, we find ourselves immersed in its sea.

    proverbs for love

    One can be unhappy by oneself, but to be truly tormented,

    one must love. Love is harder to accept than to give.
    To love is to embrace life. To love fully is to embrace both
    death and life.The secret of happiness is simple: be loving, giving,caring.Why, then, are so many unhappy?
    Because they are afraid.
    Love only yourself, and you are alone.
    Love only one other, and the two of you are alone.
    Love only your family, and your family is alone.
    Love only your nation, and your nation is alone.
    There can be no communion, not even with yourself,
    except through love of God.

    May 02

    i used to doubt you cared for me

    I used to doubt you cared for me
    When love was bright and blue.
    In my dreams, we ran like puppies
    through a field,But this I never knew.
    We both said we were friends for life,
    Not knowing what it meant,
    Not knowing how to go through hell
    And not somehow repent;
    Not knowing love was something hard,
    Like stone against the wind,
    And life itself might be a prize
    The heart would leave behind.
    But now I know the depth of love,
    And it was worth the pain,
    Though not for love nor life would I
    Go through that hell again!
    May 01

    yes i know am ranting again

    Here I am again, trapped inside these walls I built myself
    to protect my heart and soul -love, hate, bullshit - wait -
    oh God, there's so much more -school, work, some stupid jerk -
    fuck it all -and the wall has a crack in it, a tiny little crack
    I discovered the other night as I cried for him again,
    AGAIN after all this time, tears falling on my kneecap
    as I curled myself into a ball to try to repair that fucking wall -
    but those tears were just another brick -thank you, pink floyd -
    along with your hatred flamed because
    I COULD NOT HELP YOU WITH YOUR PROBLEMS.
    I'm not that good, you know -my heart is more like pissed on snow
    than freshly-fallen, turned to slush by all my tears
    over events of these past two years -love and security buried in the
    ground, no more hugs when Dad's found a new thing to bitch at me about -
    about being such a BAD of nature -I mourn the passing of old happiness,
    the ripping out of my soul -but now am rejoicing coz i dnt av to worry anymore
    because we are through. u pisses me off like mad. fuck u and y'all haters.

     

     

    April 30

    away from u

    The more I am away from you,
    The more I want you here.
    The more I do without your love,
    The more I want you near.

    I know that it makes little sense
    To want what's not around,
    But there's just one true love for me
    And that's the one I've found.

    We've gone through all the weather maps,
    The sunshine and the rain,
    But I would take a sea of storms
    To be with you again, even though u hurt me
    sometimes i still want to be with you.

    April 29

    maybe am in love again

    It's amazing how I feel when I'm around you,
    How my heart pounds when you come into a room.
    I look at you and think: My God! How lovely!
    And everything I am bursts into bloom.

    I feel as though you must, you must be mine,
    Not as a possession but a goal,
    Something almost unimaginable:
    The free devotion of another soul.

    As though I were about to enter heaven
    Or just within the hour condemned to die,
    My mind with one fierce thought keeps running over,
    With you, and only you, the reason why.

    April 28

    am not in love with you anymore

    I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
    I want your friendship minus your desire.
    I would not lead you falsely or betray you.
    I feel the tenderness, but not the fire.
    I have no reason for my lack of yearning,
    No explanation for what I don't feel,
    No other love to whom I might be turning,
    No anguish to suggest this isn't real.
    Passion is a horse that knows no master,
    And I cannot make it stay even with fences,
    It must run free towards daylight or disaster,
    Awake to glory in no other way.
    So I must say what you don't want to hear,
    But it's a truth that both of us must bear.
    April 27

    happy birthday to me

    i miss you on my birthday,
    not only for your smiles,
    but for the pieces of you that's not here,
    left within my care.

    I'm in an empty hallway
    And have been for awhile,
    Gazing inwardly towards home,
    Neither here nor there.

    How quickly we've turned distant!
    The months pass by like years.
    How could friends so inseparable
    So soon seem so apart!

    How imprecise the instant
    Held hostage by my tears!
    Though Time may seem insatiable,
    I have you in my heart.
    i wish i could hear your
    voice wishing me a happy birthday.


    April 26

    help plz

    I love them both, can't have them both.
    It's tearing me apart!
    My former joy and present boy:
    Both have got my heart.

    I have to choose, so I must lose
    Someone I really love.
    It feels like dirt that I must hurt
    A guy that I dream of.

    Why this must be I cannot see;
    I only know I must.
    Each might endure, for I am sure
    That this is love, not lust.

    I weep and wail to no avail;
    I can't say no to either.
    But if I can't tell what I want,
    Could that mean I want neither?

    April 25

    am i in love?

    How can I fall in love with only words?
    Words and pictures, grainy and compressed?
    A jaypeg love is truly for the birds.
    You'd have to wonder whether I'm repressed.
    But love it is, through all the bits and bytes,
    For someone who's like no one else I've met:
    Tender, charming, bright, king of my nights,
    All I've ever dreamed of, on the Net.
    And though he's living in a distant place,
    I love him as I've loved no one before.
    Will I ever get to touch his face,
    Hold him tight in my arms and, perhaps, more?
    Ay, me! No matter what, I'm still in love.
    Through modems must our e-mailed passions move!

    wot happened to us?

    I don't understand what happened to us
    Or why you have turned away.
    Of course you are free to do as you like,
    But first I have something to say.

    To me it had seemed we could go on forever,
    So close were our hearts, and at ease,
    So much did we share, yet the words never faltered,
    So I thought as time did as it pleased.

    Whatever I did that has made you unhappy,
    Or am that is not to your taste,
    Or would be were I to return to your graces,
    Or won't be if I am replaced:

    I want you to know that your friendship is something
    I treasure, and would not now end.
    If you would be willing to turn to embrace me,
    You'd find in me still a good friend.